In 2016 My husband and I decided it was time to start a family. 

Six months later I was diagnosed with PCOS and Endometriosis and told that my only hope of conceiving would be medication and fertility treatments.

Western Medicine/Fertility Treatments

In 2017 I had a large fibroid surgically removed followed by four rounds of  failed IUI’s. The next step was IVF.

Even though I was desperate to have a baby, I had a gut feeling that IVF just wasn’t the right choice for me at that time. I somehow felt like IVF would be trying to force my body to do something it wasn’t ready to do. 

Even though I had no idea how, I decided I was going to try to start working with my body instead of against it.

Alternative Treatment/The Natural Path

Over the next two years I tried a lot of different alternative treatments. 

I started seeing a naturopath who ran a ton of tests and put me on a rigid diet. I received acupuncture once a week. I saw a Mayan abdominal message therapist. I even had a few sessions with a woman’s internal pelvic care specialist (somewhat new and taboo in the US, but a very normal practice in Europe) On top of all these treatments I incorporated a daily yoga and meditation practice into my routine, as well as yoni steams, castor oil packs and much more.

Every one of these treatments and practices played a unique and extremely important role on my road to healing and recovery and I am eternally grateful for everyone one of them and all the strong beautiful women who I met and helped me along my path.

My body, nervous system, moods, relationships and life in general began to improve drastically one layer at a time, BUT I still wasn’t pregnant.

Surrendering Attachment

Everything I was doing to get pregnant was wonderful and amazing for my body, but underneath it all was an attitude of desperation, neediness, control and unhealthy attachment to getting pregnant.

It came crashing down on me the month that I convinced myself that I was pregnant. (more about this in my post A Long Journey)

When I found out I was NOT pregnant I was shocked, embarrassed and devastated.

As I recovered from the initial shock, I began to realize that I had formed an extremely unhealthy attachment and that it was just the most recent of a string of attachments I had formed throughout my life. 

There is nothing wrong with wanting or desiring something, but when you have to have it to make you happy that’s when it becomes unhealthy.

To free yourself from suffering, free yourself from attachments. ~Buddha

This was the most important discovery of my life and my infertility had led me to it. this is when I realized that my infertility was not a curse but the greatest blessing. 

If I had become pregnant any time before this, I wouldn’t have learnt this extremely important life lesson, and I would have continued to form unhealthy attachments as a mother.

I also began to realize that what was even more important to me than having a baby was being happy.

Happiness 

It seems that from the moment we enter this world that we are conditioned to believe that things or circumstances are what make us happy. 

We live our lives thinking that something more than what we have is going to bring us joy. I’ll be happy when I have more money, a boyfriend, a husband, a bigger house, a better job, or in my case a baby. 

Of course, it never does. When we get what we want we simply want more. 

However, I don’t think that this is a negative thing. if we didn’t always want more we wouldn’t evolve. We just have to learn to work with this constant need for more instead of against it. 

If we learn to be content with where we are and what we have while at the same time eager and excited for whats next than we can let go of the unhealthy anxiety and suffering we so often carry around with us. 

Abraham Hicks says that the only thing that anybody really wants is to be happy. The only reason you or I want anything is because we think it will make us happy. 

So, our main goal in life should not be to attain or arrive but to simply be happy.  

Remember happiness is a choice!

“When I run after what I think I want, my days are a furnace of distress and anxiety;

If I sit in my own place of patience, what I need flows to me, and without any pain. ~Jalal-al-Din Rumi

I hope that wherever our fertility journeys take us whether it be through IVF, conceiving naturally or even adopting that we always remember that choosing happiness and opening up to joy in every single moment of our lives will bring us the fulfillment that we are seeking and will ultimately bring us to what we truly desire and much more!