After my miscarriage, we were incredibly fortunate to be able to repeat IVF a second time only a few months later.
A few days after my second transfer, I started to feel the same symptoms and sensations that I had after my first, and I was quite certain the transfer had once again been a success.

 A few days later my suspicions were confirmed, and I was overjoyed to be pregnant again!

As I mentioned in a previous post during this time, we had also been presented with an opportunity to adopt, and so those early days were filled with overwhelming excitement.

 Morning sickness set in earlier and more intensely this time around, and everyone kept telling me this was a good sign. However, something changes in you after a miscarriage and at times my fear of loss again was really hard to bare.
To make things worse at around 8 or 9 weeks I had a repeat of my first pregnancy when I felt gushing blood one morning.
Once again in a state of disbelief, I told Chris to take me to Denver immediately.
A couple weeks earlier Chris and I had found out that Colorado was going to make it extremely difficult for us to adopt. On top of this our condo was tiny and there was no way we were going to fit our quickly expanding family inside of it. The icing on the cake was when we found out the local hospital wasn’t willing to accept our insurance.
In a matter of a couple weeks, we had decided to list our condo pay off some IVF debt and move to Montana.
Our condo sold in one day after listing it.
The move and packing fell entirely on Chris’s very capable shoulders and I laid on the couch in a blur of disbelief, excitement and terror as I watched him cook, pack and clean day after day.
Chris’s parents were incredibly kind to us and came out towards the end of our time in Colorado to help with the rest of the packing and cleaning that needed to be done.
It was during their stay right in the middle of our moving preparations that I had another sub-chorionic hemorrhage.
We rushed to Denver and once again saw our babies heart flickering away on the ultrasound.
The following week was long and excruciating because of my experience from my first pregnancy. A week after the first hemorrhage the baby had disappeared.
The following weeks checkup showed that our little miracle was still there, and I felt so much relief.
relief during those early days was short lived for me and slight spotting or cramping would send me into mild panic attacks that would only dissipate by another ultrasound to see my baby moving inside of me.
I was a faithless, nauseous mess for the entire first trimester. I lost a ton of weight and was terrified to make the smallest of movements.
Shortly into my second trimester I began to feel small improvements. The first time I went outside and walked to the mailbox felt like a huge accomplishment! The morning sickness subsided, and my appetite slowly came back.
One morning a nurse from the fertility clinic called to tell us the sex of our wee miracle.
I put her on speaker and felt intense emotion and excitement as she told us we were having a little fella.
I will never forget as Chris pumped his fist in pure victory and loudly said YES!
I felt so happy for him. I felt so happy for us.
Soon after, our move to Montana was upon us and though I was nervous for the 11-hour drive across Colorado and Wyoming into Montana, I felt ready.
Though I loved Colorado immensely and was sad to say goodbye, the last 6 years spent there I had been trying to get pregnant. I had experienced great failure, loneliness, and loss. I had also experienced great growth, on so many different levels, but it was time to move on. It was time to put 2020 in our rear-view mirror and welcome in a New year filled with new experiences and finely a growing family.
At 18 weeks 5 days I woke up to two tiny little knocks inside my belly and I knew without any doubt that they belonged to my little man.
I had absolutely no idea how magical it would be to feel my baby move. To feel life inside of me has been the most wonderful and beautiful thing I have ever experienced in my life so far.
As I sit here and write today at 25 weeks, I can honestly say that feeling my baby kick, play, and roll around inside of me brings me so much comfort, and joy and I just can’t get enough of it.
6 weeks ago, today our adoption fell through. The baby’s mama changed her mind and decided she couldn’t go through with giving away her child.
Although heartbroken that we are no longer going to have 2 little boys to raise together, time heals all wounds and I’m thankful that I have all of my love, time and devotion to put into the life growing inside of me. The life that I have wanted and waited for, for so long.